The Nashman Definitive Autobiography: The Wonder Years (Capitulo Uno)

March 29, 1979. A sad day in history.

When I was born, my father confronted the doctor asking if I was pulled from the correct hole "Doc, sigurado ba kayong hindi sa pwit ng misis ko nyo ito nahugot?"

I was so fugly my arrival caused post-partum arguments between my mother and father because no one wanted to be seen carrying an orc up and down Session Road. No nanny would want to take employment in our household "Yaya po ako, hindi zoo-keeper" was the common excuse. Eventually, my first nanny was both blind and deaf- mute. She couldn't see how disfigured I was and when her heightened sense of touch finally figured it out, she could only wave her hands frantically. My father, who did not know sign language, interpreted this as a sign of joy.

Yet, my parents remained very compassionate. Everytime I was hungry, my mother took me from the blind and deaf mute nanny to breastfeed me. A member of the RSPCA saw this and gave my mum a gold plaque of appreciation. "Kahit hayup, may karapatan rin sila"

It was customary back then to take the name of the Saint you shared your birthday with during baptism. When my mother expressed her intention for me to be accepted into the Roman Catholic faith, the statues of the two Saints whose name I was supposed to adopt cried blood. The Papal Nuncio informed the Vatican and the Pope spoke ex catedra against naming fugly babies with saintly names. In fact, the Pope himself called my parents and told them it was better if they converted to another religion instead. "Gargoyles are an architectural embellishment. It doesn't mean we can baptise them" said His Holiness.

In Filipino households, children are expected to entertain guests. Parents would goad their children "C'mon, Tito Jun is here. Sing for Tito" or "C'mon dance the macarena for Auntie Beth". In my case, whenever guests were coming my Dad would ask the yaya to hide me. "Dali, yaya ilabas ang blusang itim! Parating na mga bisita, itago mo na yang anak ni Janice". In fact, no one would come into our house unless they were assured that I was restrained. The dogs were happy to run free as I replaced them from the leash.

Our neighbour, believe it or not, had a pet monkey. (Back then, exotic animal trafficking laws were nonexistent.) My mother would leave me with the monkey and when it was time for dinner, she would oftentimes take the monkey home instead of me. Our neighbour had to bring me home to my parents. "Kala ko kase makakalusot" said my mum shrugging her shoulders.

...to be continued

The Nashman Definitive Autobiography: The Wonder Years (Capitulo Uno)

March 29, 1979. A sad day in history.

When I was born, my father confronted the doctor asking if I was pulled from the correct hole "Doc, sigurado ba kayong hindi sa pwit ng misis ko nyo ito nahugot?"

I was so fugly my arrival caused post-partum arguments between my mother and father because no one wanted to be seen carrying an orc up and down Session Road. No nanny would want to take employment in our household "Yaya po ako, hindi zoo-keeper" was the common excuse. Eventually, my first nanny was both blind and deaf- mute. She couldn't see how disfigured I was and when her heightened sense of touch finally figured it out, she could only wave her hands frantically. My father, who did not know sign language, interpreted this as a sign of joy.

Yet, my parents remained very compassionate. Everytime I was hungry, my mother took me from the blind and deaf mute nanny to breastfeed me. A member of the RSPCA saw this and gave my mum a gold plaque of appreciation. "Kahit hayup, may karapatan rin sila"

It was customary back then to take the name of the Saint you shared your birthday with during baptism. When my mother expressed her intention for me to be accepted into the Roman Catholic faith, the statues of the two Saints whose name I was supposed to adopt cried blood. The Papal Nuncio informed the Vatican and the Pope spoke ex catedra against naming fugly babies with saintly names. In fact, the Pope himself called my parents and told them it was better if they converted to another religion instead. "Gargoyles are an architectural embellishment. It doesn't mean we can baptise them" said His Holiness.

In Filipino households, children are expected to entertain guests. Parents would goad their children "C'mon, Tito Jun is here. Sing for Tito" or "C'mon dance the macarena for Auntie Beth". In my case, whenever guests were coming my Dad would ask the yaya to hide me. "Dali, yaya ilabas ang blusang itim! Parating na mga bisita, itago mo na yang anak ni Janice". In fact, no one would come into our house unless they were assured that I was restrained. The dogs were happy to run free as I replaced them from the leash.

Our neighbour, believe it or not, had a pet monkey. (Back then, exotic animal trafficking laws were nonexistent.) My mother would leave me with the monkey and when it was time for dinner, she would oftentimes take the monkey home instead of me. Our neighbour had to bring me home to my parents. "Kala ko kase makakalusot" said my mum shrugging her shoulders.

...to be continued

Buy Me A Bag for My New Laptop and I'm Yours....

Let me explain....

I've decided to get myself a Macbook. I'm going to start writing my thesis and will finally try to get some results published soon before I get scooped.

I know, I know. Not everything is rosy. Apple, especially the iPod contractor, engage in some baaaad labour practices (forced OT, cheap wages, cramped dormitories) but I have been assured by insider sources that Apple will enhance the labour requirements for its suppliers asap.

The turning point was my Apple-user friend's revelation that she NEVER backs up her data. That's a very stable machine indeed. I remember High School back in the 90s when everything ran on MS-DOS, one had to constantly print out work (and cut trees!) on the fly lest you risk starting from scratch should a virus erase your data. MS-DOS got hit by viruses more often than a crack addicted cheap hooker. Data loss due to computer viruses are rare now of course yet Windows systems still crash too much.

As a transition, I'm getting the cheapest Macbook just to get the feel for it. I'm not entirely abandoning the PC though and I have put my name on the list for the new 9inch screen Ferrari-branded Acer with a black carbon fibre case.

The bad news is I'm way over budget and I haven't enough money for a proper laptop case. I can't take a part time job though because my schedule won't allow it.

Then as I walked in a dodgy part of Oxford, it hit me! I'm going to engage in the oldest profession in the world!


Hire me and get some Brown Asian lurv.....

In this age of equality, I don't see why a man can't sell his body to satisfy the needs of women. I'll be able to earn money without sacrificing a lot in terms of schedule or commitment. And I only need to raise a certain amount of money so this gig is only temporary.


I've already done my research on what laptop bags I want.

Just so every girl knows what pleasurable services The Nashman can offer, I've devised the following price structure. I actually prefer that I be paid in actual material need rather than cash but I'm putting the cash equivalent because I know not everyone can get into 233 Rue St Honore and I might have to get the bag myself.

The Nashman House of Pleasure Tariffs

Dunhill Sidecar Leather Messenger Bag (or $1030) - Basic Escort Service: I provide companionship for the day including holding hands, cuddling in public, kissing in public (excluding French) and other pa-tweetums effects. You can show me off to your parents or friends at a party and I can act like an adorable boyfriend -"Look at what I got from Asia. He's small but spicy".

Giorgio Armani Leather Handbag (or $1980) - The Daliri Service: Includes the Basic Escort Service plus my 10 itchy fingers anywhere you want them to be. Strictly no full nudity or exchange of bodily fluids. (Please I do NOT take Emporio Armani. That's only for the masses, my laptop deserves better.)

Bottega Veneta Messenger Bag ($2650) - Kasama na Pati Dila: Let my playful tongue give you a sponge bath. I require that you take a shower first and will personally supervise this to ensure that you are very clean. Not suitable for those allergic to Fit Vegetable Washing Solution

Goyard Chypre ($3860) - The Spitting 11th Finger - Full access to the One-eyed Mini-Nashman. Strictly kiskis lang sa labas, hindi ipapasok sa langit.

My services are VAT Free but the client agrees to pay for other expenses such as, but not limited to, the coast of meals, flights and travel, prophylactics, sex toys, and edible underwear. I also reserve the right to reject your offer if you are fugly, have halitosis or b.o., or speak with a pretentious colegiala accent. (Hindi ako nakikisalamuha sa coño)


Call my number now and let me entertain you! I can give you a free tour of my stately homes in Middle Earth including access to areas not normally open to the public!

Hold the Press! Extra! Extra! Online Promo!

DOT Balikbayan Program - For those of Filipino Lineage. Libre isang daliri for any service availed.
Gang Bang Special - Two paying friends can call a third person who can join for free!


Kabayan, daliri pa lang solb ka na!

Of course, don't take my word for it. Call my number now and let us discuss your needs. I've got two years of Quality Control experience and you can be assured of high standards. I won't bore you with sob stories typical of other people of pleasure, I will be very discreet, and I won't distribute the hidden camera recordings of our transaction, unless you are very famous and I stand to make a lot more money selling our DVDs on the web.


A glowing review of The Nashman's performance. Due to the data protection act, we cannot identify the surname of Lisa M. but you can contact her at Flat E17 Storgata 55 N-0182 Oslo, Norway to ask her personally about my pleasurable services. Lisa M. availed of the basic escort service and I even got to meet her wondeful mum, Miss Mikkelsdatter who served amazing lefse crepes.

Finally just so there is no confusion, and sadly for my legion of gay fans, I'm straight. As such, I only do girls and lesbians. If you do need pleasure services for gays and transgenders I can recommend you to my friend Ashley who is waaaaay waaaaaaaaaaay waaaaaay cheaper than me. (Last time I checked, he can do anyone for a mere Jansport beltbag.)