The Nashman's death jump over one. Even the Bishop of Soweto (RIP) was shaking in his grave (in the background) at this mind boggling feat.
I have been stopped on the street many times by people from all walks of life who ask me how I manage to do the death jump (as seen in the image above) with enviable grace and effortlessness. I have been prodded by impressionable young children who want to follow in my footsteps to divulge some of my secrets so that they too could perfect such a dangerous stunt.
I tell them there are no secrets and it takes years of training and discipline to master this extreme sport. You have to stick to a tough and physically taxing fitness program all year round.
The Nashman trains all year. The blistering summer or the blizzards of winter cannot disrupt his focus. Above, The Nashman performs a practice jump in Hyde Park. The Nashman makes thousands of training jumps like this to achieve Nuyerev-like gracefulness of flight.
To do the death jump you must focus your energies on achieving the following:
You should be agile and flexible for the graceful take-off -
His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit push The Nashman to the limits.
You should have good upper and lower body strength to give you vertical lift -
You should have the endurance of a long distance runner and the abdominal fortitude to sustain your position in midair -
You must do all the abdominal crunch variations. In the middle picture above PA/PR Gromit extends his left arm over the opposite shoulder while doing crunches.
When you have reached the pinnacle of fitness, you then have to be recognised by your peers in International Federation of Death Jumpers and should pass a comprehensive drug test regularly before you can even attempt your first jump.
Of course, performing the death jump on the world stage can take its toll on one's personal and social life as well. My very-beautiful-it's-obscene Argentinian (ex-) girlfriend (the one that mummy really liked and the one whom daddy always asked of me "So when are you finally going to get her pregnant and give me grandkids you ungrateful git") didn't really like the fact that I was active in this extreme sport. Much as I tried hard to explain to her that I was truly good at this endeavour, she was worried sick that I might come home one day with a hamstring injury, a broken metatarsal, or worse, an injury to the crown jewels. She did not relish the fact that there were real risks involved that could hamper my performance in bed. She shuddered at the dire possibility that with any injury to my extremities we couldn't possibly contort our bodies to fit in my single sized bed of eros. I tried to mollify her that our passionate, slow, and long Latin lovemaking sessions could only be enhanced by my demanding physical regimen but the hazard that indeed, one day, I might come home an invalid worried her greatly. Eventually, the gnawing fear and uncertainty was too much for her fragile heart to bear and we decided to break up. I still love her and I miss her but the lure of the game was too much for me to ignore.
(Meanwhile my dad routinely shouts expletives at me on the phone whenever they call, blaming me for the break-up.)
In never before released pictures from the Orange archive, we share some images of me with His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem and our loyal PA/PR Gromit in our secret training facility perfecting the never before attempted jump of death over two.
The Nashman's vertical leap is truly stratospheric even during the early death jump over two training jumps. PA/PR Gromit deserves credit for raising The Nashman's game.
During those long training sessions with hundreds of practice jumps done, every single jump is analysed and all weaknesses are identified and corrected. Each time, The Nashman's jump continues to grow more impressive in height and the motion becomes more beautiful.
Poetry in motion.
Let me impress upon all dear readers that being a death jump volunteer is an equally brave undertaking. The risk of painful accidents such as the jumper trampling on a volunteer cannot be ignored. The landing and follow-through is very crucial. All participants need to walk away unharmed, letting the exhiliration of the successful jump wash both the body and spirit with orgasmic bliss.
There is a very little margin of error allowed. A miscalculation and HRO Karl Willem could have been crushed.
The Nashman walks away safe and sound each time with PA/PR Gromit and HRO Karl Willem unharmed.
Soon, a dress rehearsal death jump over two was attempted.
Above is a photo of The Nashman attempting the death jump over two for the first time with the brave volunteers in the safer prone position. Although the photographer at this attempt (my good friend Catherine W.) wasn't adept at capturing fast moving images, she at least managed to catch me on film as I landed. You can see from the amazed look on my two other friends' faces in the background that it was a fantastic jump indeed. They know superior athletic ability when they see one as they are both world class cross country runners. (*Because the two volunteers above were in the prone position, it cannot be technically called a death jump by the International Federation of Death Jumpers.)
When I felt the time was right, the conditions were right, Mars was not in retrograde, and that my preparations were more than adequate, I finally had the courage to tackle the impossible .....
...the never before attempted death of jump over two in the hallowed cobblestones of Radcliffe Square......
Behold.
Power. Beauty. Elevation.
I was caught by the Hungarian photographer Miki Szalay just after lift-off. Immodesty aside, one can clearly see how the launch was very smooth and had the lyrical movement worthy of the Kirov. The brave volunteers were a gentleman from Harvard (left) who is now a Director at HSBC and a Maroon from Diliman (right) who was more than happy to take part in such an illustrious undertaking (he being from a less reputable school). He is now a consultant for the ADB making up the economic numbers for banana republics using a dart board. In that fleeting moment, when I was flying over them, they had the extraordinary chance to experience what it feels like to be touched by the contrails of greatness.
I nailed the jump and landed to the applause of the gathered throng of well wishers and fans. It was even captured live on the ubiquitous British CCTVs. It was the jump that celebrated the triumph of the human spirit.
To commemorate this event, His Royal Orangeness Karl Willem has commisioned this.....
The actual cobblestone where my toe landed first was carefully removed from the square and put in this elegant box designed by HRO Karl Willem's favourite designer Ermenegildo Zegna exclusively for this precious relic. It is a limited edition of one which we are giving away for charity auction administered by Sotheby's.
Since the cobblestones of Radcliffe Square have been trodden on by many other people famous for exploits other than the death jump (the boots of people such as Aldous Huxley, Hugh Grant, Lewis Caroll, JRR Tolkien, Bill Clinton, TE Lawrence, even Harry Potter and countless other famous peeps have worn out the cobblestones), I wanted to make this special stone singularly associated with me and the successful death jump over two. So to erase all traces of these previous other famous people and leave my lasting mark on the stone I used it as a.......
pumice stone (panghilod).....
If you wanna be with me, baby/ There's a price you pay/ I'm The Nashman in the Shower/ You gotta rub me the right way.
It now contains my DNA making it a truly special collector's gem. I made sure to rub that cobblestone on every crevice AND protrusion of my sweaty body. It's a truly priceless artefact that will be coveted by many for generations to come. Many an ode, song, and poem will be written about it and the fateful night The Nashman completed the death jump over two. (Photo courtesy of my new Swedish flatmate, Johanna, who shares the shower with me during the morning rush. Swedish girls are really waaaaaaaay ahead of their time. I do hate it when she uses my soap! God knows where she uses it!)
Parental Guidance: Remember, don't attemp the Death Jump without proper training and guidance. If you want me to coach you with the nuances and proper techniques of Death Jumping drop me a message.