Just a stick? Or a lethal weapon? In the hands of a well trained Filipino, this transforms into a very high tech tool that secures all malls, public transport, and large buildings in the Philippines.
Like most Filipino males my age, I took an intensive two year Reserve Officers' Training Course (ROTC) while at University. I woke up early every Sunday ready to train, knowing full well that my time under the heat on a dusty field was time well spent.
At Saint Louis University in Baguio, we were under the command of the Philippine Air Force.
This meant that some of the time, we looked at pictures of airplane parts with dictionary definitions in barely readable mimeographs.
This was in contrast to some other universities which were under the command of the Philippine Navy.
This meant that some of the time, they looked at pictures of ship parts with dictionary definitions in barely readable mimeographs.
Most of the time however, we were under the searing sun doing marching exercises while carrying rifles made of wood. And I must emphasize, NOT all of the Squadrons were given wooden rifles. Oh no, you had to be a member of the elite squads. This is purely for safety reasons as you do not want the Master Sergeant (who also sold us bread with some goo in the middle during breaks at 300% profit margin) getting whacked in the head by undisciplined trigger happy cadets. Pota, gago talaga itong sarhento natin kamahal na nga ng pandesal panis pa. Kaya siguro kahit 20 years na sya sa military, sarhento pa rin.
We marched and marched and marched and did crisp left turns and crisp right turns. Harap sa kaliwa, ta! Harap sa kanan, ta! Porward, marts.
And I must warn despotic governments who have evil plans of challenging our sovereignty.
You may have eeevil plans to wage war against us by land, air, or sea. Whatever means of attack you mount on us, We will defeat you by marching into formation.
Evil Commander: "Show me the Philippines on the satellite monitor."
Soldier whose job is mainly to push the red buttion: "Ready to fire Minuteman missiles, sir."
Evil Commander: "What is that? Zoom in."
Soldier whose job is mainly to look at the monitor: "Sir, it seems the Filipinos are marching in formation."
Soldier whose job no one knows, but is always at the right of the Evil Commander: "My god! Look at those crisp left face, right face, and about face turns! We don't stand a chance!"
Evil Commander: calls his evil president using the red phone, concedes defeat, loses the will to live, and shoots himself.
Aaanyways, SAS Forces have asked me to train the current crop of Commando units. In my very demanding training regimen, I show them how to identify different types of wood in the forest that can be fashioned into a lethal weapon in seconds.
These never before seen pictures show me in a secret training facility demonstrating my skills in using wooden assault weapons.
The small handgun. If you are Lito Lapid, don't bother taking cover, you won't be shot and the bullets you fire can penetrate through anything, I mean anything, killing the baddies.
The standard issue sniper rifle. Back in ROTC we even had the rifles painted for a more 'realistic' look and feel.
The bazooka. One of the more popular weapons and appears in every Filipino action movie. Interestingly, no one seems to know how to aim it properly. Or if they do, the baddies always fire one second late, when the action hero has already left giving him enough time to do a sex scene with the pointless leading lady before going back out for the explosive climax.
Ah, the Howitzer. Used by the Pelepen army to flatten villages carrying suspected insurgents. Not very accurate or efficient but we make do by just firing billions of rounds hoping one splinter grazes the bad guy so he can hopefully die of tetanus in a couple of months.