Bad Father. Mick Jagger Senior excludes Mick Jagger Junior from his will. Sure, Mick Junior is worth £125M but that is no reason to disinherit him.
My dear mother texted me this morning reminding me to greet my dad on "Father's Day".
I was shocked. I couldn't believe that my mother is being bullied by those evil charlatans at Hallmark. In my 25 years of existence, we've NEVER celebrated "Father's Day". "What next woman?" I replied, "Will we now start "celebrating" Mother's Day/Granny's Day/Valentines/ or god forbid, frigging Thanksgiving?"
I think these events are superficial. In all honesty, I think I've been a good son for 345 days of every year. I've given my dad no reason to disown me and I don't need to be labeled 'ungrateful' on this one day of the year just because I didn't get my dad a gift or tree-killing card.
And for his part, my dad did the best he could for me. I didn't get everything I wanted, but I got everything I needed. I keep this in mind 8 days a week, 400 days a year.
Anyways, I was perfectly ensconced at an Italian restaurant in Bicester when I finally relented and sent my greeting. (Unlike the peasants who go to Bicester to shop at the outlet stores, I just went there to enjoy a long lazy sunday lunch.)
If there is one thing that my dad thinks is a failure on my part, it's that I haven't provided him a litter of little-Nashmen. I have Angelina Jolie on speed dial and I'm tempted to stop over in Vietnam and get one orphan and give it to the old man "Here, I brought you an heir"
Ok, people will say I'm racist. Why should I adopt a Vietnamese when there are also deserving Filipino orphans? Well, if you've learned your lesson from those telenovelas, you do your best to raise the orphan as your own then one day their evil/overly melodramatic/high strung biological parents appear out of nowhere. Suddenly, there are plot twists, violence, prolonged crying spells and whatnot. I'm not one who unnecessarily complicates his life. Adopting from another country which speaks another language reduces these risks. Well, given that air travel is cheap, if the adopted and the biologicals do cross paths, at least they can't have a meaningful conversation beyond "Donde esta kubeta?"
I wanted to steal one of the many babies but how do you convince a blonde, blue-eyed critter that a brown monkey like you, no matter how lovable, is his/her father? Similarly, I think Maddox has the same question but I don't think he has a right to complain about minor differences in phenotype because his parents are frigging rich and famous. Hell, I'm willing to dress up in nappies and be breastfed by Angelina! (No offense to my dear mother who is beautiful and during her youth had a perfectly proportioned bosom.)
Anyways, my mother took me to task for being such a lazy boy, spending money eating alone in a restaurant. I explained and my father came to my defense. If they wanted any grandchildren, the vessel won't be someone named barely17, pink&tight, or swallows69 who I meet online. I have to go out and meet proper women. Moreover, proper women don't have sunday lunches at McDonald's or Burger King innit? From the tone of his voice, I knew my father had that smug smile Aaah, I thought him well. I had to cut them off when my starter of zuppa de funghi arrived.
Eric Idle wrote about the advantages of eating alone and although I forget his reasons I'm sure one of them is that you don't have to make small talk with people around you. It's just you enjoying the food. Plus I can let my eyes wander between servings. In fact, sitting on the other table across me was a girl with a very short skirt. I did not only have the pleasure of catching occasional glimpses of the bushy gates of heaven, I could also smell it, carried by the gentle breeze. It lifted my general well-being especially as I haven't been to the seaside in ages.
The peasants, allowed to wrap themselves in proper clothes with cut-price outlet shopping.
After the two hour lunch I did brave the shopping high street and was pleasantly surprised. There were very few shoppers. I guess because it was "Father's Day", most families were doing what ever it is they do on such a day. Also, if you stay away from the peasant-magnets such as Ralph Lauren/Hilfiger/Burberry, you can pretty much can shop in peace.
I was undecided on whether to get the Hugo Boss or Zegna black shirt. I've not been working out lately and we all know that black has a slimming effect. Sadly, I'm having a bout of stress-induced dandruff. It was a double edged sword: Should I be ostracized by society for being fat, or should I wear the black shirt but then still be ostracized by society with visible dandruff on my shoulders?