So the big news that made the whole world stop revolving this week was Britney Spears shaving her hair. Before the collective and enlightened masses could say "So, er, what?" her shorn locks quickly appeared on eBay, being flogged by the salon owner for "charity".
It was selling for $1,000,020.00.
And I thought to myself, Who are these rich, sick, perverted, and psycho buyers? Can't they spend their money on better things like modern art?
So, imagine my disappointment when after calling my mother and asking her to sell the family farm, sell the dogs to the Korean restaurant, and peddle my father into prostitution so that I could have enough cash to bid for Britney's locks and save it from the sickos, perverts, and psychos out there, eBay de-listed the item! How evil for eBay to deprive me this one chance of making a big difference in the world!
Then, a brainwave hit me! I could also auction off some Nashman items that are better value!
So for a limited time only, I'm giving people around the world a fair chance to own this item taken from The Nashman's very person that anyone can cherish and pass on as a valuable heirloom!
I'm selling off some of the..............
Nashman Pubes!
Yes, I'm selling some of those wiry black hair that keep The Nashman balls warm and itchy all year round!
This is a legitimate auction! Bidding starts at $10.00 and ends this weekend! Now is your chance to own a piece of The Nashman!
It's so versatile, you can use it for flossing your teeth!
Proceeds from this auction will be given to The Nashman's favourite charities, namely the "Give The Nashman a Five Star Hotel Room Foundation", "The Nashman Bling Fund", and most especially the "Beautify the World Today - Support Plastic Surgery and Penile Enlargement for The Nashman"
Since I'm a very very generous person and I don't want to be accused of stinginess, I'm going to make it worth your while by.........
....whoops, doing it again and shaving those babies one more time so that you can have more of me!.....
Yes, more of me!
You'll have enough to make an excellent toupee for Barbie Ken....
I'll even throw in the shaver I used! As if that wasn't enough bonus, the blade even has blood stains when I accidentally grazed my ballsack. Think about the potential windfall and the smart investment you are making! You can extract some of The Nashman DNA from the blood on the blade and in the future, when technology catches up, you can clone cute and adorable mini-Nashman's to show off to your envious friends!
To ensure the authenticity of The Nashman Pubes I will gladly give my DNA sample to the winning bidder! You can have us much DNA sample as you want.
Caveat for winning male bidders: Since The Nashman DNA needs to be deposited somewhere warm and moist and is not used primarily as an exit hole, I'll be happy to transfer DNA to your girlfriend or wife. Unless they are fug, then my lawyers will discuss alternative methods to prove that The Nashman pubes you win is a genetic match.
EXTRA BONUS! EXTRA BONUS! Putcha suki para sa iyo!
Oh baby, baby, How were you supposed to know.......
This is amazing! As if the blood stained shaver and the large pile of Nashman pubes weren't generous enough, I will also gladly give away some nail clippings! This is a very special offer indeed!
You won't see this on TV folks! Happy Bidding!