The Nashman, the first Flipinoy superspy version of James Bond who was famously known as "SPO1 Jun Malabo: Pulis Patola ng Western Pulis District, Kotong Supercop (So help us Lord)", was found dead in his room today.
CSI agents HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit processed the crime scene but not before nosy reporters from ABS-CBN and GMA-7 had contaminated it.
A police spokesman released this statement "We don't knows what happen yet. We hab to pind wetnesses. So par, der is nu ebidens of pawl play"
Based on easily obtainable police report leaks, The Nashman had a .37 calibre bullet lodged in his left butt cheek and traces of pancit malabon (food favoured by Manila policemen as it's given to them "free") were found next to his body. An autopsy revealed he choked to death over boiled toknene (orange-coloured egg normally sold by cart vendors, also known to Manila policemen as eat all you can roving buffet tables) and as he struggled, he stumbled on his Danao-made Paltik revolver and set it off.
Traces of semen and buko pie were also found on his penis while a dvd of "Cavite Scandal: Kiskis sa Sarap" was found in continuous playback in his Panasony DVD player (also given free to Kotong cops by 'generous' vendors'.)
The Nashman's body will lay in state at the Pulis Outpost for three months so that the cops could openly play high stakes tong-its (a card game Filipino civil servants seem to be good at).
Meantime, TV networks in the Philippines have consoled The Nashman's mother by asking her very considerate questions such as "Ano po ang nararamdaman nyo?" (How do you feel) while playing Beethoven's Für Elise in the background. While the Nashman's mother wailed, the newscasters made some Oscar-worthy efforts to feign sympathy. (Filipino newscasters are the best at asking inappropriate and ill-timed questions only to exalt the obvious.)
Philippine Commander in Cheat Gloria Macapal Arroyo, the Kotong Supremo, was quick to announce a replacement for the sake of National Security......
Criminals, be afraid....be very afraid.....Presenting the T5000 SuperPinoy Terminator
Hebigat paareeee. (Photo by Andy Zapata Jr. and yes, it's a REAL policeman.)