My morning cafe. Sadly, Brasil had its first evil Starbucks open somewhere last December. But why? Espresso costs a mere $0.40 in the local cafes. Why pay $2.00 for piss with a view of plastic furniture?
My hotel has the slowest lift on the face of the planet. I kept pressing the 'door close' button but unfortunately this girl wearing a tracksuit with the name of her university managed to get in.
She looked at me from head to foot.
"Oh, did you, like, go to the beach?" she, like, asked.
This was a very difficult question indeed, with me dripping wet, barefoot, wearing only board shorts and a body board leash strapped to my forearm. I wondered if Sherlock Holmes needed an assistant or if Madame Auring was retiring. Here on this very lift, the slowest on the face of the planet, was a suitable candidate.
I resisted the urge to say "Oh, the beach? Don't be silly dahling, I just like peeing on my shorts. I also keep a cup of wet sand next to my bed which I spread liberally to my hair, ears, and body. After which, I like taking the lift because the journey soothes me. Also, I like staying in crap beach front hotels because it's so convenient to the excellent mountain climbing routes."
Or I could have said "Me ching-chong chink. Me speak no english. Ibaloi onli. Ammum?" which would give me the license to ignore her and her ghastly outfit.
Eventually I relented and said "Yes, it may not look like it but I did go to the beach. Apparently, they have good beaches in Rio de Janeiro. I never knew that 'till I came here."
"Oh, like, that's so like cool. So, like, did you go like body boarding?" hirit ni tita. Siguro Promil baby sya.
I resisted the urge to say "No, I just go around half-naked with this piece of foam as a security blanket and an extension of my personality. Apparently, Vampires can't hurt you if you have them. I bet you also know The Secret. Have you sent your tithe to the Church of Scientology yet?"
Naku gusto kong ihampas sa kanya yung board at lunurin sya sa puddle of water na namuo sa aking paanan. Titah, pwede ka maging newsreader tulad ni Mike Enriquez sa telebisyon. Pwira biro. PARA ANO PA NA ANDITO TAYO SA ARPOADOR? Hindi ba obvious yun from my get-up????? Hindi ka naman siguro bulag although judging from your fashion sense baka nga may deperensya mata mo.
Thankfully, she got off on the 6th floor which we reached in what seemed like ages using the slowest lift on the face of the planet.
"Do you like wanna hang out sometime......" she shot back as the doors were closing.
"Yes..." I said before the doors closed "...but not with you". Seriously, I came here to meet the endemic native Carioca species and not Gringas. Naku, with The Nashman hindi ako basta basta naa-akit dahil maganda ka. Konting sentido kumon naman para ma-balance ang aking occasional na kabobohan.
You know that nagging curiosity at the back of your mind whenever you share a lift and you press for the top floor while the others press for the lower levels? You kinda wonder what sort of people they are and why they are not living on the penthouse? (And come-on, it's not as if I'm staying in a swanky hotel. Where I'm at is one of the crappiest on the planet. I just had one less apoptotic brain cell to blag my way to the best room. 'Tsip op pulis/tongressman/kupitan ako doon sa aming village kaya dapat na-aayon sa aking stature ang kwarto.')
Well, today I got my answer. Evolution needs some time to catch up for them who live on the lower floors.
Even with the stairs, I know they wouldn't figure out how to get to my floor. My room at the top gives me shelter from those closer to the species of Raul Gonzalez.
*napintabs = napintas ngem tab-bed, (maganda pero boplaks); Baguio Slang. Use in a sentence "Nagpintabs diay baru nga gayyem ni Miguel ngem nabulag maysa mata na ta agluto koma isuna 'ti instant noodles ket "Tear here" kuna diay package ket inusar na mata na nga panglukat."
More than the pretty babes on the beach, it's the surf chicks that really turn me on.
Neneng, board ko naman ang i-ride mo please. Matigas rin sya at sa dulo, merong white water....
HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit and our rooftop pool and jacuzzi. We haven't used it coz it's so wrong to be conspicuous when you have a favela with no running water in sight (on the hill behind the dawgs). Like my beloved Pelepens, Brasil has a very big wealth disparity. That's why we like the beach as anyone and everyone is free to enjoy it.
Arpoador break. Mmm those early morning waves are purrrfect.
Ipanema. Hey, Bossa Nova is out of fashion in Brasil at the moment. Baket sya hit sa Pinas? Nahuli yata tayo ng 20 years...
HRO Karl Willem and PA/PR Gromit are The Nashman's wave readers. I trust their judgement more than I trust Cardinal Sin's teachings on population (kung sakaling nabubuhay pa sya).